you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
