the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
