He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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