I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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