i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
