Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I could fuck to npr.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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