I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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