at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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