If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
