we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
