shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
40s are totally the cure
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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