Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
