You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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