Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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