These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
