You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This is the high leading the old right now
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
