I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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