WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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