so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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