I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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