we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
