What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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