apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
