I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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