Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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