shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
