you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
