So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im holly from the hills drunk
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
