She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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