so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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