:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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