Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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