My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
