Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
