I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
