I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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