dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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