my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
