if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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