either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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