She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
