Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
