I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
