It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
