the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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