dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
