shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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