You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
