so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
