Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
